mike (don_negro) wrote,

I feel whole, really whole, for the first time in so long. Several events coincided in my life, and they engendered an epiphany that tore my mind apart. And when I put the pieces back together, the world looked like a very different place.

I won't go into all the messy details, but basically it worked like this. Something happened that made me feel emotions that were almost the exact opposites of the emotions I expected to feel and that I'd felt in similar situations in the past. This got worse with time, not better, and so I started poking around at some of the assumptions that my emotional responses are based on.

Here's the thing about those kind of assumptions that I knew but didn't realize - they're often built on each other, and if you pull the wrong one out to look at it, the whole ediface can come tumbling down. And that's exactly what happened. I discovered a really nasty assumption at the center of my worldview, and when I got rid of it, most of my emotional framework went along for the ride.

That's how I found myself sitting in the shower without any of the assumptions I used to make sense of the world. I was pretty sure about gravity and my own name, and that I spoke a language called English, but that's about it. It was terrifying and liberating and everything was different.

That was four weeks ago, and I've spent these last four weeks looking at every facet of my life, deciding what I think of it, and deliberately fitting it into place. My emotional life was a haphazard jumble, little understood and barely under my control. Now it's very well ordered and the trains run on time. 'Well ordered' would have been the last adjective that could have been applied to me before, and that change has touched everything in my life.

It's been hard, because some things have depended on others which weren't in place yet, their lack has left me feeling raw and naked against the elements, but I felt what I believe to be the last piece lock into place yesterday, and nothing has shaken this feeling of centered calm since.

If I close my eyes, I feel like I can stretch out infinitely in every direction.

I feel alive.

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